While burning their lies and burning my dreams

Author: simph8
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: AU, Pedophilia, Violence, Character Death
Characters: Yabu Kota, Takaki Yuya, Inoo Kei, Yamada Ryosuke, Nakajima Yuto
Notes: This story takes place before Yuya bought Yuri. Still, it's necessary to have read Hakanai Yubisaki to understand what this is about.

While burning their lies and burning my dream

Kota walked down the narrow path, surrounded by tombstones, flowers, silence and smell of incense.

He had walked that path before. He had done that dozens of times to reach his mother’s grave.

But that day he wasn’t there for her, nor he had flowers with him. He walked slowly, dragging his feet, as if he was carrying a weight too heavy for his shoulders.

He slowly passed by his mother’s grave, promising himself that he was going to come back to at least burn some incense. He closed his eyes for a moment.

He felt weaker every step he took, as if that road was sucking his strength away from him, while feelings and emotions he didn’t want to relive mixed unpleasantly inside of him.

Kota was tired of feeling guilty, tired of always making the wrong choice.

He wished he could’ve avoided seeing that grave which he was starting to glimpse, which seemed to be overwhelming compared to the others, so shiny, so new, so fresh.

He wanted to go back and pretend he had never been there, because having paid for a hole in the ground and a piece of stone didn’t give him any responsibility.

But he didn’t stop. He kept walking because Kota had never run away and he wasn’t about to start now. He hadn't when he had joined the yakuza, when he had met Yuya, when he had started working. He had never run away, because he had always been too honest to do so.

He came to a halt, finally, inexplicably panting despite how slow he had been walking.

He felt guilty, horribly so.

Kota was twenty-seven, he had been working for the yakuza for nine years, and he told himself he should’ve been used to all of this by now.

Yet he wasn’t. One never was, he told himself, to tragedies like that one.

The life of another adolescent had been torn from him, and he hadn't been able to help him.

There had been a time when they had been close, then the kid had gone crazy and Kota hadn't been able to foresee his plans. Because he couldn’t.

But staring at the tombstone, all he felt was rage and pity. Just like they had destroyed him, he had managed to destroy someone else.

An eye for an eye.

Kota brushed his fingertips on the white stone, pressing harder on the kanji.

‘Yamada Ryosuke finally rests in peace, in spite of everything’.

~

Kota felt uncomfortable. He kept checking the time, he had been there for half a day and he still hadn't met the man who was going to be his aniki.

The kid looked around, feeling tenser and tenser.

He wondered whether Kei felt good or not, if his mother was going to bear with him for one last day. She was on the verge of a breakdown. The situation at home was unbearable, even though Kei spent the whole day in Kota’s room.

He fidgeted on the chair. The man was late, and he tried to focus on that; he jumped when he heard his cell phone ringing, and got relaxed only when he read Kei’s e-mail. He told him he was going to call him as soon as he would’ve gotten off from work.

No one knew he had gotten fired from the ramen shop where he had been working because he had fallen asleep on the job. No one knew he broke his back transporting boxes at night as a warehouse worker, just like no one knew that he was about to join one of the most dangerous criminal families of the capital city.

All of a sudden, a guy walked inside the dark restaurant. He must’ve been only two or three years older than him, Kota deemed as he tried to get a good look at him.

He wore a black suit and dark sunglasses, while the noise of his loafers on the wooden floor echoes like a promise of death. He sat down in front of him, and Kota didn’t need for him to take the sunglasses off to know he was studying him.

He had no chance to escape. Kei’s medical expenses were far higher than he could possibly afford, and he had sworn to himself and to him that he was going to do everything he could to make him better and make him forget those infernal hours which kept haunting him.

But compassion and good will weren’t going to pay the bills, Kota had found that out incredibly soon. As much as he worked, as much as he tried to sleep the least amount of time possible, money weren’t enough. The only way he was getting out of it, he had decided, was organised crime.

The man was still staring at him when he nodded.

“So you’re the new brat?” he asked, lighting up a cigarette.

Kota turned up his nose at the acrid smell. He had forced himself to quit months before, and he had no intention of starting again.

“I'm Yabu Kota and I'm eighteen. The head of the shatei confirmed with me that next week there’s going to be a ceremony for the new members and that today I was going to meet the aniki who was going to train me. Are you Takaki-san?”

The elder kept still for a moment, then he burst out laughing.

“Do you plan on using this fucking formal language long, you brat? I'm a criminal, not a professor at your nice university for bookworms.”  

Kota bit his tongue and lowered his eyes.

“I'm Yuya, that’s all you need to know. Next week you’re going to start your exciting new life, so you should really forget all the good manners mommy’s taught you. You can wipe your ass with those, here.”

The younger nodded. It was okay, he kept telling himself inside his mind, like a mantra which was having no effect.

Yuya patted his shoulder and stood up, tossing him some keys and a piece of paper.

“Your new place. You can bring your America’s sweetheart and snog as much as you like, if you want.” he mocked him.

And there Kota jumped up, grabbing Yuya’s wrist. He wanted to hit that damn man, but he found himself facing the wall, his arm bent behind his back in a split second. He felt the man’s breath clear in his ear.

“You better keep your cool, or the little princess is going to have troubles. After all... we know where you live, remember?”

“You won’t touch a hair on his head. Or else...” Kota snarled.

“Or else?” Yuya whispered, pulling harder on his arm, making him groan in pain. “You’re here with me because you can’t take care of him, right? You should keep quiet and take a few random jokes about him, capisce?”

Kota bit hard on his lower lip and closed his eyes for a moment; then he nodded, slowly.

Yuya let go of him and clicked his tongue. He laughed and patted his shoulder again.

“You’re full of energy, aren't you? I really needed someone like you to lighten the mood here.” he shook his head. “Come on, don’t you have to go move?” he asked out loud, as he walked outside the restaurant.

Kota fell back on the chair, his head slipping on the table.

He sighed, clenching his eyes and holding back tears.

~

Kota had been Yuya’s shatei for three months now. He wasn’t comfortable with guns or other weapons, nor he was particularly aggressive or threatening.

Until that moment he had gotten it good, since he was almost always with Yuya, who instilled as much fear as three other generic criminals combined. But still, whenever they were off work, Kota talked willingly enough with him.

Of course, the elder’s ideas and thoughts tried to impose on Kota quite arrogantly, but Yabu was good enough at making Yuya think he was always right.

Yuya, despite his appearance, had noticed a lot about his new shatei. The younger never gave away too much about his life, what he did before joining the family, nor he spoke about his boyfriend at all.

The only thing Kota did easily when they were together, was eat. Yuya swam in money, and being the aniki he tended to pay for every lunch and dinner they had together.

Kota, once understood how it worked, ate as much as he could every time they were together, and what he couldn’t eat he took away.

Not that he admitted that openly, but Yuya had once saw him walk home with plastic bags from the place where they had just eaten.

He had found it curious; Kota’s income wasn’t bad at all. Not too much, but not that of a conbini clerk. He should’ve been able to afford a nice meal.

That night, Kota was laying on the floor, while Kei had fallen asleep on the couch. The elder stared at him with a tender smile, then he stretched his arm and caressed his face.

He looked at the table, a bowl of rice abandoned there.

He brought a hand to his stomach and threw his head back, ignoring the hunger.

Then he turned toward the TV again, the volume at the minimum. There was nothing interesting and he snorted, bored.

He was about to fall asleep, his head on the couch, when he heard the doorbell ringing. He jumped up and rushed to get it as soon as possible.

He opened it, ready to yell at whomever it was, but he bit his tongue.

“Yuya!” he hissed, his voice low, turning to check if Kei was still sleeping; the younger moved under the blanket.

“Well, it’s not too late, it’s just ten.” the elder uttered, his voice loud. “I brought some food and something to drink. You weren’t about to do the nasty right now, were you?” he teased Kota, pushing him away to walk inside, heading to the kitchen.

He threw a glance at the living room working as a bedroom; the sofa bed was open and the kid – of whom he only knew the name – was sitting on it, staring at him, sleepy and confused.

Kota reached him, standing in front of the yakuza.

“Yuya, what are you doing here?” he asked.

“Told you, I brought food. You must be hungry, right?” he asked, staring at him.

“Yes. No... wait!” he uttered, grabbing his arm and dragging him back to the entrance. “Kei doesn’t know.” he whispered.

“What?” the elder yelled. “Are you a complete moron?” he added, his voice sensibly lower.  “Damn it, you’re a yakuza not a fucking fishmonger. You don’t hide something like that so easily, do you know that?”

“Yes, but...” he couldn’t finish his sentence, that his attention was caught by a noise from the kitchen.

He peeked inside and saw Kei taking a few containers out of the bags; judging by the smell, it was Chinese food.

“Seriously, why are you here Yuya?” Kota asked, exasperated.

“I told you. I was bored at home and I brought something to eat. I didn’t know you were about to have sex.”

“We weren’t...” the younger paused, unable to reply, and went back to the kitchen.

Kei was still taking boxes out of the bags, when Kota walked to him slowly, wrapping an arm around his waist and smiling to him; he didn’t miss, as Yuya didn’t, the slight jerk from Kei.

“My boss brought us something to eat.” was all he told his boyfriend.

“I like Chinese food.” Kei whispered, keeping his head low as he spoke.

“I know.” Kota murmured in his ear. “Do you want to eat it now or do you want to keep it for lunch tomorrow?”

Kei bit his lip.

“I'm hungry.” he admitted, looking at him for only a moment.

“Wasn’t... wasn’t dinner enough?” Kota asked, swallowing.

“Yes, but... I'm still a little hungry. I'm sorry.”

Kota reached for the drawer and grabbed a pair of chopsticks.

“About what? Come on, go sit on the couch and eat whatever you want. I don’t like you being hungry.” he told him, uncomfortable.

Kei nodded and grabbed a tray with a glass of water, a couple of the containers and the chopsticks. Then he went back on the couch, turning their back on them and focusing on the drama he had interrupted before falling asleep.

“I'm closing the door Kei, alright? So we won’t bother you.”

But the younger didn’t seem to hear, so Kota went and did it anyway.

“Are you always like this?” Yuya asked, sitting on a chair.

“How?” the younger asked tiredly, grabbing a beer.

“So... disgustingly concerned for his needs.”

Kota looked at him and smiled ironically, taking a sip.

“Never been in love, have you?” he said, shaking his head.

Yuya fidgeted on the chair, nervous.

“Well, at least my stomach’s full.” he muttered.

“If he gets to bed full and with no panic attack, I'm the happiest man in the world.” he snarled, glaring. “No one asked for your charity.”

“It’s not charity, you idiot!” Yuya burst, loud.

Kota jumped up, shushing him. He got close to the door and opened it a little, seeing Kei under the blankets, sniffing.

“Kei-chan.” he called, low, going to sit next to him. “Kei-chan, it’s me. It’s Kota.” he whispered, bringing his hand to his shoulder, but the boy screamed and kicked the blanket off, crying.

“Go away. Go away!” he yelled, writhing in his arms, trying to defend himself.

“Kei-chan, listen to me.” he whispered. “It’s Kota, your Ko-chan. How could I ever hurt you?” he went on, rocking him slowly. “Come on, stop crying. There’s no one here who wants to hurt you, you’re safe.” he told him, and Yuya didn’t miss the fear in his voice.

He must’ve been used to this, but still not enough to keep his voice steady and make it as reassuring as possible.

He saw that his eyes were wet and that he was biting down on his lips, while he held the younger tight, trying to calm him down.

Kota rolled his head back slowly, muttering something and closing his eyes.

The yakuza was afraid he was going to burst out crying too any moment, but when Kota looked at him his eyes were as firm as ever.

“The cabinet behind you. There are some pills.” he told him, and Yuya rushed to bring him what he had asked for.

Kota pulled Kei up a little, holding him still.

“Come here, Kei-chan. Take your med, it’ll make you feel better. And then we can watch a drama and eat the food Yuya brought us, alright?” he murmured. “Come on, Kei. Count to ten with me.” he started counting, enunciating every number carefully. Come to five, Kei started counting with him.

Slowly, he calmed down. He blinked and then he swallowed the two pills his boyfriend had handed him.

“I'm tired of being afraid.” he murmured, his voice broken.

“I know. It’s going to pass, I promise.” Kota soothed him, hugging him. “It’s going to pass soon, Kei.”

Yuya stood aside, understanding by himself that it wasn’t a moment he should’ve witnessed, feeling almost guilty for having screamed.

Well, how could he possibly know Kei was going to react like that?

Kota had told him something about him being afraid of people, but he had never given him details.

Yuya put the pills back into the cabinet, and this time he noticed that there were several other bottles, all with weird names; not his every day cold meds.

They looked expensive enough to make him realize why Kota didn’t eat at all, giving all he could to Kei.

Well, Yabu was right. Yuya was never going to understand, because he had never been in love. Not of that passionate love which makes a man sacrifice everything for the loved one.

No, Yuya had never been in love. He didn’t love anybody, not even himself. How could he possibly love someone else?

After a while, Kei and Kota joined him. Yuya tried to look comfortable and Kei chuckled, never looking him in the eyes.

The kid looked good, the yakuza judged; his hair were soft, long to his shoulders, his eyes lost and naïve. The skin seemed soft and delicate, just like all his stance.

Kota must’ve understood what he was thinking, because he kicked his shin softly; Yuya startled and got back to himself.

“I'm Inoo Kei.” he kid murmured, his voice childish. “I'm sorry about this, I...”

“This, what?” Yuya interrupted him, his attempt at feigning nonchalance was starting to make Kota laugh too. “I was reading the sport news on my phone, I wasn’t minding the two of you.” he muttered, blushing slightly and averting his eyes, crossing his arms.

“Anyway, he’s Takaki Yuya. My... boss.”

Kei nodded and looked around, then he sat at the table, staring at the remaining food.

“Are you still hungry?” Kota asked, confused by the scared nod Kei game him. “Didn’t  you have lunch? I had left the rice.” he commented, more to himself than the younger.

“Not... not really. The rice’s the same you’ve had for diner.”

Kota opened his eyes wide.

“Kei, you know you’ve got to eat. You’re still convalescent, you’re not completely healed. I eat so much at lunch that I'm not hungry at dinner anyway.” he lied, smiling.

“Mh. You barely eat since we’ve moved. You don’t even have breakfast.” Kei muttered, eating a mouthful of noodles.

“I'm on a diet.” Kota joked, turning to look at Yuya. “Will you tell him I always have lunch?”

“Uh? Ah, of course, sure. He eats so much that he’s going to bankrupt the firm singlehandedly.”

“Really?” Kei asked, finally smiling.

“Y-yes.” Yuya confirmed, uncomfortable.

“See?” Kota smiled to him. “Eat now. And don’t make me worry again, okay?” he scolded him, leaning down to press a kiss to his cheek. Then he sat down and kept drinking his beer.

They stayed there for a long time, making small talk.

Yuya hadn't felt so good in ages.

~

Kota cursed Yuya mentally. The elder knew how little he liked that kind of work, but he really couldn’t care less.

He could’ve been back at the office with his accounting books. He was very good at that.

The fact that Yuya had tried to pass him being there at the brothel as ‘company’s business’ didn’t change anything. He hated him.

Once he arrived at the front door, he took a deep breath. He was there to take some papers, nothing more. He didn’t have to look anyone in the eyes, he didn’t have to talk to no one but the man who ran that filthy place. Take the documents and leave.

He opened the door and headed to the top floor. As soon as he walked out the elevator though, he was hit by a small tornado, a kid who must’ve been about eight, running through the hallways.

Two men appeared behind him; they caught him fairly easily and dragged him back inside, the kid kicking and screaming.

Kota decided it was none of his business. Take the papers, nothing else.

He stopped in front of a door, the one to the head’s office. A nice plaque read ‘Nakajima Yuto’.

Gathering up all the courage he had, Kota knocked, waiting to be asked in.

He walked inside a Spartan room, containing only a desk close to the only window, a couple of shelves and a few chairs.

Sitting on the huge leather chair was Yuto. Next to him, a lip bleeding and a bruise under his eyes, the kid he had seen a few moments ago.

“Who are you?” Yuto asked harshly, staring at him.

Kota saw the scar passing through his aniki’s right eye, wondering how in the world he had gotten that; it was creepy, and made him look even more terrifying.

But Yuto was as high as him, just as thin and he wore a simple and old-looking suit – even though it must’ve been quite expensive when he had bought it.

“Yabu Kota. I'm Yuya’s new shatei, I'm here for...”

“Yeah, yeah.” the elder interrupted him, waving his hand and standing up, throwing the kid on the chair. He looked scared and angry, but he didn’t move an inch.

Yuto walked slowly toward him, and the moment he got close enough the barrel of a gun was pointed at Kota’s chest.

Yabu forced his body still, despite the clear instinct to run.

He just have to pretend to be braver and less terrified than he actually was.

Yuya managed to do that every day, he kept telling himself; then a second voice reminded him that Yuya didn’t pretend, that he just wasn’t scared of dying.

Less and less reassured, Kota forced a smile.

“I'm not here to play, just to retrieve some documents. And Yuya asked me to tell you that now that he’s in charge you can forget your tricks with the money and the whores.” he nodded toward the kid. “Or the children.” he finished.

Kota saw him remove the lock, but he kept still as he kept cursing his aniki in every language he knew. They weren’t many, but he got plenty to go on.

Then he heard it click, but no bullet hit him. He swallowed, looking at himself in disbelief.

“Well, there aren't many shatei not begging for their lives. And you’ve also managed to repeat all the nice words of our beloved and chaste aniki in the meantime.”

“I don’t care what Yuya does in his free time, nor who he fucks. I just have to do my job. Now, if you please, I need those papers.” he asked again, stretching out a hand without daring looking him in the eyes.

~

When he walked out the building, he had to walk for a while to reach his car, and he turned around only when he realized he was being followed.

Behind him, far from subtle, there was the kid from before. Kota stared at him as he hid behind a plant a little taller than him, watching Kota the same way he had been watching Yuto.

The yakuza told himself he should’ve turned around and left, ignoring him, because he was going to get in trouble.

But he couldn’t help it and got closer, smiling.

“Hi. I'm Kota, what’s your name?” he asked.

“Ryosuke. But he calls me Ryo.” the kid murmured, lowering his eyes.

“Are you talking about Yuto?”

The kid didn’t answer; he shrugged and bit his lip, nervous. Kota looked around and sighed again. He kept telling himself he should’ve left, but he couldn’t bring himself to do so.

“Listen, I'm going to get something to eat. Want to come with me?”

Ryosuke opened his eyes wide, that scared look still on his face, so Kota held out his hand, smiling.

“Come on. I’ll speak to Yuto, if need be. Don’t worry.”

“Really?”

“Of course. Scout’s honour.”

The kid hinted the first smile Kota had seen on him until now and took his hand.

It felt so small, and Kota felt a twinge in his chest thinking about him there at the brother at the mercy of a psycho doing as he pleased with him.

They walked inside a coffee shop and Kota watched Ryosuke greedily devour a pastry and drink a juice.

He couldn’t afford much more than that, but it was fine just like that. He knew that getting too involved with the kid would’ve been bad, that he shouldn’t have done anything in the first place because he risked Yuto’s payback, but he just couldn’t help it.

Ryosuke’s smile, Kota considered, made him look even nicer. When they said goodbye the yakuza told himself that children should’ve never stopped smiling, and that they lived in a truly disgusting world.

~

Another month, and Kota had more or less gotten used to the job, even though he still couldn’t stay inside the ‘warehouse’ for too long.

That place stank of death and blood, and the first time he had set foot there he had ended up barfing after ten minutes, making Yuya laugh.

Orphans, children sold by their parents to pay debts. In that warehouse, their fate was decided.

The luckiest, at least in Kota’s opinion, died after a short medical check, their organs sold on the black market. The less fortunate were sold as sexual slaves to rich men who could afford playing with human lives.

That day he had resisted for almost an hour in that infernal place, and Yuya had joined him in the car a short while later. Kota was rolling a cigarette through his fingers, staring at it intently.

He had quit smoking when he had started studying for the Todai’s admission test, a year and a half before. He had bummed a couple at the construction site where he had been working nights, but he hadn't started again because he couldn’t afford it.

To tell the truth he couldn’t even now, but perhaps he could’ve bent the rules for just this once.

He lit it up the moment Yuya got into the car, the elder staring at him, arching an eyebrow.

“Do you smoke?”

“Used to.” Kota answered with a grin. “Then I quit because of the money. You know, my salaries went mostly into Kei’s meds and hospital bills.” he muttered, almost ashamed of talking about his finances.

Yuya lit up a cigarette himself, putting a foot on the dashboard.

“Yuya!” the younger scolded him, snorting. “It’s the only car I have, come on!”

“My, you really are a toff with a stick up his arse.” the yakuza complained, taking the foot down anyway. “I might just lend you one. I’ve got three.”

Kota rolled his eyes and ignored him. It was the best strategy, he had found during those four months; whenever Yuya started blabbing about his money or his life, the only sane thing to do was pretend he couldn’t hear.

“Listen Kota, I don’t really like minding other people’s business, but I spoke with Yuto today.”

Yabu froze, and he didn’t turn to look at him.

“Mh. What did that nut job want from you?”

“In between the lines, he made me understand you’ve got an interest in Yamada. Listen, I know him, I know it’s tragic and everything, but no one’s happy here, alright? And Ryosuke belongs to him, you can’t help it. He’s bought him, try and come to terms with it.”

“I know, but...” Kota uttered, raising his eyes on him.

“No ‘buts’. We’re not into charity here, get it through your thick skull and you’ll live longer, trust me. And never go against Yuto. He’s worse than a lot of other people here. He’s ruthless, and I wouldn’t put it past him to use his good manners to make you realize what you’re risking.”

“What... what do you mean?”

Yuya snorted, impatient, brushing a hand over his face.

“What’s your only weakness? You don’t have a family and, no offense, you don’t really have any property. You’ve got nothing. Except for Kei.”

The younger opened his eyes wide.

“I thought one shouldn’t do stuff like that inside the family.” he murmured, breathless.

“Well, it wouldn’t be any official business, of course. But, you see, people disappear.”

“If someone were to touch Kei...”

“If you don’t want them to touch your beloved Kei, don’t give them any reason to. They’re powerful, and you’re a rookie. You will be able to do as you please once you’ll become someone.”

Kota threw the cigarette’s butt out the window, irritated, and grabbed a second one immediately.

“Ryosuke’s young. How old is he? Eight? It’s not fair.”

“Nothing’s fair, Kota. We’re yakuza.” Yuya said, averting his eyes and letting him understand the argument was over.

~

That afternoon, Kota had materialized in front of Yuya’s door with Kei like a father dumping his son at his friend’s place.

Kei had stayed on the doorstep for a while, his jacket too big for him, the bag he most likely used for school on his shoulder and his hat down to his eyeglasses; the lower part of his face was hidden by the scarf, and all one could see of his face were the eyes.

“I'm going back to work.” Kota said in a rush, then he turned to his boyfriend, still on the doorstep. “Kei-chan, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” the younger muttered. “I don’t like spend the evenings without you.” he admitted.

“My love, I won’t be late.” Kota soothed him, hugging him, holding him tight as if he didn’t want to let him go. “I’ll be here as soon as I can, I promise. Then we can watch together the new episode of the drama we’ve started, how about that?”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” Kota whispered, smiling. “You’ll be fine with Yuya.” he said, turning to look at the yakuza. “So, Yuya...”

“I know, mum. No sweets and pastries before dinner, he’s got to eat meat and vegetables or he’ll waste away, no soda or he’ll be sick. You’ve been busting my balls about it the whole day. Now please, want to take your well-behaved arse out of my apartment?” he hissed, exasperated.

“Fine, I’ll go. Bye, Kei-chan.” he said, moving the scarf to press a quick kiss to his lips.

Kei blushed and smiled to him, waving his hand and staring at the door as his boyfriend left.

Yuya, suddenly uncomfortable, looked at him.

He wasn’t used to having people there, especially not when he was supposed to baby-sit an eighteen years old. He should’ve remembered to keep his voice down, or... well, he had seen what could’ve happened. And Kota bringing Kei’s meds there was not reassuring at all.

“Kei, what would you like to do?”

The boy shifted his weight, his hands tight on his bag; he bit his lip, even more uncomfortable than Yuya.

“I'm not really used to being with someone other than Ko-chan.” he mumbled.

“I know, but Kota didn’t want you to be home alone late at night, so you’re here. Now, is there something you’d like to do before dinner?”

“I'm hungry.” the younger answered, but still he didn’t move nor he took off his jacket.

“Fine.” Yuya rushed to the kitchen, staring at the empty fridge and cabinet.

He didn’t really eat inside, ever, so he never went grocery shopping. Kota had dumped the news on him an hour before, nothing he could’ve done about it.

“Let’s go buy something, okay? We’ll have a snack.”

“Kota said no sweets before dinner.” Kei whined.

“We still have a couple hours for that. You’ve got all the time in the world to digest.”

Kei seemed to think about it, then the hint of a smile appeared on his face.

“That’s true. Kota didn’t say anything about snacks.”

“I see we’re making progress here.” Yuya smirked. “Come on, you can take the bag off and leave it here. The conbini is half a block from here.”

“Do you mind if I bring it?”

“Uh? No, of course I don’t. Come on, let’s go.” he patted his shoulder, and they walked together out of the apartment.

~

An hour later, Yuya and Kei were splayed on the couch, watching the TV. They had a bowl of ice-cream each, sitting right on their stomach.

Ice-cream was basically the only thing Yuya ate home. He didn’t like to cook, and he barely could anyway.  The last time he had tried, a couple of years before, he had risked poisoning himself.

Since then, he had given up. He had enough money to afford eating out, so why shouldn’t he?

“How long have you been with Kota?” he asked all of a sudden, his eyes still on the TV.

Kei stiffened next to him, and by the corner of his eyes the yakuza saw him bit his lip.

“Next April’s going to be three years.” he murmured. “We’ve gotten together shortly after we’ve started high school, even though we’ve known each other longer. But Kota’s always been one to do things the right way.”

Yuya wondered how his new criminal life fitted there.

“Three years it’s quite a while, at your age.”

“I suppose. I don’t care how long it’s been, I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. So time doesn’t really matter, does it?” he raised his eyes on Yuya, incredibly focused.

“Y-yes, I guess. Who cares how long?” he stuttered, floored by the younger’s determination in his confession.

“This is my favourite drama.” Kei informed him then, changing the subject. “Ko and I have seen it a few times, he enjoys it too.”

Yuya nodded, doubting the last sentence’s veracity. He hadn't known his shatei long, but still he had understood that Kota would’ve said or done anything to make his boyfriend happy, even watch over and over again an horror drama; he really looked like the type to get uneasy at that sort of stuff, Yuya thought.

He sighed.

In the world he lived in, he had never really witnessed a bond like theirs. He had never believed in something like that, his family not being really an example of love and affection.

Kei kept eating his ice-cream, lost in his world, and Yuya was sure he wasn’t really focused on the TV.

“Why didn’t you graduate from high school?” Yuya asked then.

Kei froze again, slowly swinging back and forth.

“There have been problems. A lot. There were these men who... And Kota was crying. And he was yelling at my parents. And he’s been away a lot working, and he left me in his room.” Kei listed, feeling a thread which made sense only in his mind.

“Okay, okay.” Yuya rushed to say. “I don’t care, okay? Don’t sweat it.”

“Mh. Really? Because Ko always says that I don’t have to be with people if I'm scared of them. And I am, they get interested, they ask questions, and they touch me and then...”

“Kei!” Yuya called him, putting his hands down on his shoulders. “Kei, calm down. It’s fine, no one’s going to hurt you. You can trust me.”

The boy raised his eyes on him, unsure.

“Really?” he asked, his voice feeble.

“Yes. Until Kota and I are here, no one’s going to hurt you.”

Inoo nodded, averting his eyes and staring at a blank spot, intent.

“I'm still hungry, Yuya.” he said then, changing subject.

“Eat your ice-cream.”

“Don’t feel like ice-cream. More like pizza. Can we have pizza?”

“We can have that delivered.” Yuya replied, slowly.

“That’s good. We don’t have that much at home.”

“Fine, fine. But let’s not tell Kota. We don’t want to risk him getting mad at us, do we?”

Kei chuckled, childishly. Yuya got up, trying to mask how uncomfortable he still felt.

Well, he looked eighteen alright. He didn’t know whether that matched his mind, though.

~

Kota looked around, smoking. He crushed the cigarette on the ground as soon as he arrived and then, finally, he saw Yamada appear from around the corner.

Yuya’s words had gotten to the point, but he wasn’t going to let that kid to his monsters and his nightmares. As much as he could, he wanted to at least give him some happy memories.

He smiled, and that at least made Kota feel better.

“Kota, I'm sorry I'm late. Yuto had some trouble falling asleep for his afternoon nap.” he snorted, as if it was perfectly normal, while the elder felt a cold shiver down his spine.

“No problem. It’s snack time, would you like some ice-cream?” he asked, smiling.

“Yes! I like ice-cream.”

The two of them sat at a parlour, and Kota watched the kid talk and laugh as he ate.

“Ryo… how did you end up with Yuto?” he asked, his voice low.

The kid winced.

“I was born there.” he shrugged. “My mother was bought by them, I'm the son of a client. I don’t know who my father is. I don’t even know my mother, they told me she died a few days after I was born. Yuto let me live at the brothel, a few of the girls used to take care of me. Then...” he paused, hesitating. “Then Yuto sort of bought me. I’ve got my room there, on my own. But I often sleep over at his place. That’s not nice.” he muttered, finishing his story.

Kota felt sick. He wished he could’ve done something, anything to free him from that torture, from that perennial nightmare he was living, but there was nothing to do.

Both because Yuto would’ve gone after Kei and because he didn’t have the means to make Yamada disappear into a nice family, who would love him and allow him to live a normal life.

Yuya was never going to help. He knew it and, all in all, he didn’t blame him. All of that was work for him.

And perhaps, since he was a yakuza, the elder’s approach wasn’t the worst of all.

~

Yuya let go against the mattress, panting. He didn’t really remember how it was he had started sleeping with Yuto, but he knew for sure that fucking his aniki was the best thing he had yet to experience.

Not that he lacked women, he liked having sex with them, but it was so deliciously different with a man.

Yuto, anyway, did it with a passion. He wasn’t one for quickies, he did things properly, and most important of all he let Yuya lash his perversion on him, he allowed him to scratch him and bite him, to take him as it came, without being too concerned over his own body.

And Yuya liked to see the scarlet blood streaming down Yuto’s skin, because it felt as if he was staining him a little, as if he was actually in charge. It made him feel better and allowed him to drive away the weight he bore on his shoulders since he was a kid.

Yuto covered himself up with the sheets, turning to look at a still naked Yuya.

“That was interesting, aniki.” Takaki panted, turning as well.

“I think so too.” he closed his eyes briefly, then he aimed them again at the younger.

Yuto liked Yuya. Sexually speaking. He would’ve likely killed him for something more serious, they were most definitely incompatible.

“Did you make me come here just for sex?” the elder asked then, sitting up and grabbing a cigarette from the nightstand.

Yuya winced.

“I wanted to talk about my new shatei. Kota.”

“Oh, the kid who plays with my stuff?” Yuto asked almost casually.

“Kota isn't used to all of this yet. He comes from a nice family, one of the real ones. Let him be, Yuto.” Yuya said, starting to worry about the outcome of the argument.

“Yesterday he went out with Ryosuke. Who knows what would happen if I were to touch his stuff.” he turned toward Yuya, grinning.

“He bought him a snack, Yuto. He’s not interested in Ryosuke that way. He doesn’t need it.” Yuya muttered. “For god’s sake, he’s a child.” he repressed a disgusted sound, but Yuto didn’t miss his expression; he got closer to him, brushing his arms on the few spots still not tattooed, the scars visible.

“Children are cute, Yuya. Don’t think you’re the toughest one here, Yuya. Only because none of your shatei is old enough to remember those years...” he murmured, allusive.

The younger pulled away, covering his arms to hide the scars bringing him back years, reminding him what he had gone through.

“Hadn't you belonged to them, I would’ve considered you, Yuya. So little and defenceless in their hands. You liked it, didn’t you? Did you like them fucking you night after night?” he whispered, sugared, licking his neck and biting it.

“It’s just rumours. Nothing happened when I first joined the family.” Yuya replied, uselessly trying to keep his voice steady, to hide how real those rumours actually were.

The elder chuckled and quickly positioned on top of him, between his legs.

“Just think how less your shatei would respect you if they knew their big and strong aniki was nothing but four men’s little slut.” he laughed. “You must’ve looked so good with all those scars, looking scared, locked up in that room for the whole day, knowing that they were coming for you.”

Yuya pushed him away harshly and got up, starting to get dressed.

“Just rumours.” he repeated, his voice shivering, unable to look the elder in the eyes.

Yuto’s laughter pierced his mind.

“Remind Kota he should stay away from my things. Or his little girlfriend might just pay the consequences for it.”

Yuya turned to look at him, but he bit his tongue. Yuto was guessing, he had no proof of Kei’s existence.

But what concerned him was that Nakajima had eyes and ears in the whole Kabuki-cho. Had he wanted to, he would’ve found everything out in minutes. And that would’ve been a problem.

Yuya put his shoes on and, without saying another word, he left.

~

Yuto went straight back home, and he realized something was off immediately. He searched for him, but Ryosuke was nowhere to be found. He snorted.

He was with that troublemaker for sure. Yuto had been clear with the kid before going out to meet Yuya.

There were going to be consequences.

But as it seemed, the kid liked Kota enough to challenge his fury, without thinking about how frightening it was going to be.

He grabbed his phone, and a couple of phone calls resolved the whole thing. He fell on the armchair, a devilish smile appearing on his face.

Inoo Kei.

Good. Revenge would’ve been so sweet.

~

Kota had been clear with Kei when they had moved to that new neighbourhood about going out alone or talking with anybody. And Kei didn’t need to hear that twice, since everything looked much creepier than the nice and comfortable neighbourhood when Kota used to live.

He went out only when strictly necessary, he always locked himself up when he was at home, to avoid unpleasant surprises. The apartment, after all, was quite small.

There were only two doors, the one to the bathroom and the one to the kitchen, and they both had locks. Kota had put them on once realized Kei was scared someone might’ve gotten in.

He was waiting for Yuya, now. He was sitting in a kitchen, reading a book, when he heard the doorbell ring.

He glanced at the clock and frowned; Yuya was early, too much considering they had just hung up and Yuya had told him he would’ve been there in ten minutes at least.

He was suspicious, but it could’ve also been Kota gotten out early from work; he walked to the entrance, unsure.

“Who is it?” he asked, holding tight to the wall.

“Yuto. I'm Kota’s co-worker, can I come in?”

“Kota told me I shouldn’t let anyone inside. I'm sorry. You should come back later.”

he tried to tell him, his heart beating too fast already.

He heard the man chuckle, and he didn’t like it in the slightest. It reminded him of bad things, that he didn’t want to remember. He swallowed noisily, hearing a loud bang against the door.

He jumped and backed off, running to the next room.

“You either open the door or I kick it down, you brat.” the man snarled, and Kei barely held in a sob.

He had just managed to lock himself up inside the kitchen, trying to ignore the banging on the door, that he heard it give way to the man.

“Come on pretty, come out!” Yuto called out loud.

Kei breathed fast, bringing his hands to his ears. He didn’t like being called like that.

They had called him pretty. And baby, and slut, and a lot of other stuff. He didn’t want to remember. He had struggle to prevent himself from getting back to those horrible hours, to those moments which had ruined his life.

“Did you hide in the kitchen, pretty?” Yuto asked then, hitting the door, and Kei rushed to grab a knife, holding tight onto it.

A second blow made the door shake hard, but it was then that Kei heard his friend’s voice.

“Yuya!” the older man uttered. “You’re here too, uh? See, I found Kota’s girlfriend. Now all I have to do is punish her, because it looks like your shatei didn’t want to hear my warnings.”

“Leave Kei out of this. Your beef is with me and Kota, not him.”

“Oh, Yuya. I gathered up some interesting information. I know why Kota became a yakuza. You know about the men who touched his little girlfriend, right? Maybe you like her because she reminds you of yourself?”

Yuya went pale. He didn’t really want to be so privy to Kota’s and Kei’s business, not when Yabu had so carefully kept it from him.

“It’s not… Kei’s a friend.”

Yuto shrugged, without listening to him, and turned again toward the weak door keeping him from the younger.

And then all Kei could hear was a single gunshot, Yuto’s shadow suddenly on the floor.

A sigh, and this was Yuya. Inoo sobbed and risked unlocking the door, holding the knife in front of him, ready to hit whomever was behind that door.

Yuya had barely the time to avoid being stabbed, as he jumped back.

“Kei, relax. It’s me, it’s Yuya.” he whispered, pushing him gently toward the kitchen and closing the door so that he wasn’t going to see Yuto’s body.

“What’s going on, Yuya?” he asked, sobbing. “Why did he mention yakuza? Who was that?”

“Kota is one of us. We’re... he became my shatei so that you could have a better life.”

“Who was that, Yuya?” Kei asked again, as firm as he could under the circumstances.

“He...” Yuya sighed. “Someone who wanted to hurt you. And as I’ve promised to you, no one’s going to touch you until Kota and I are here.” he reached out his hand. “Now come, let’s go to my place. We can call Kota from there, alright?”

The boy nodded and hesitatingly grabbed his friend’s hand. Yuya held it tight, and still carefully preventing him from seeing the body, he took him away. 

~

Kota knew he deserved the punishment. But he wished he could’ve been the one paying for it, instead of Yamada.

Yuya had used the kid to teach him a lesson, and one of those he was hardly going to forget. Once taken control of Yuto’s business, his aniki had made sure to throw Ryosuke in one of the rooms, making of him just another prostitute.

“Yuya, this is crazy!” he burst, inside his aniki’s office. “It’s not Ryosuke’s fault! He’s already suffered enough, you can’t...”

“I warned you, Kota. I told you to stay away from him. You’ve made enough damage.”

“You should punish me, not him. It’s not fair.”

“You’re going to have his fate on your conscience. I suppose there’s no worse punishment for someone like you.” Yuya told him, and left the room.

~

Kota stood still in front of the door to Yamada’s room for a while, before finally deciding to walk in.

He forced himself to smile when the kid ran toward him and hugged him. Kota pushed him away and made him sit on the bed, handing him the strawberry daifuku that were Ryosuke’s favourites.

“Ryo, we can’t see each other anymore.” he told him. “I... you know, I made a mess. And I'm kind of grounded now.” he tried to explain.

“Because they killed Yuto?” the kid shrugged. “I'm fine with it. I hated him.”

“Yes, but... there’s going to be other people now. Not just him.”

Yamada stared at him.

“I know it was going to end up like this. I was always going to be too old for Yuto soon, so...” he looked elsewhere. “Better than dead.”

Kota wanted to take him anywhere else. He wanted to take Kei, that kid and run as far as possible, allowing him to grow up, to lead a better life.

But he bit hard on his tongue. He had made too much damage already.

“I'm sorry.”

“I’ll never see you again, then?” the kid asked.

“Maybe, when you’ll be older.”

Kota tried to smile to him and Ryosuke knelt up, kissing his cheek.

“Thank you.” he murmured. “So, is it a promise? Will we meet again when I’ll be older?” he asked, raising his pinkie finger toward him.

“Promise.” Kota murmured, his voice broken, latching his finger to the kid’s.

Then he stood up and went away, closing the door behind him.

~

Right now, in front of Ryosuke’s grave, Kota wondered what he had done wrong. He wondered if it wouldn’t have been better for him to die at eight, when he still had some hope left.

Instead, Ryosuke had died at his hand, in a warehouse, as Kota tried to defend someone he considered as part of his family.

He shook his head and hold back his tears, brushing his fingers on Yamada’s grave.

It was another story he didn’t want to think about.

Yuya had been right, that day many years before.

He was always going to have Yamada’s fate, his life and his death on his conscience. He was never going to forgive himself.

And he was going to hate himself forever for having been able to give him only a grave and a tombstone.