Afraid of not having more

Author: simph8
Rating: NC-17 
Warnings: AU, Car accidents, Hospitals, Caring, Consensual sex
Characters: Takaki Yuya, Chinen Yuri, Yabu Kota, OFC
Notes: Story is set before 'Sanagi'.

Afraid of not having more

Yuri was quite used to living with the yakuza by now. Despite everything, he had surrendered to his life and the rules he had to live by, but for better or worse he had understood that he could’ve had it harder. He couldn’t swear on it, but he was fine with living in that ignorance protecting him from the rest of the world.

That morning, was even less willing to irritate the yakuza than usual. He had gotten up early to go out and buy the food the elder enjoyed the most – both for breakfast and lunch – and he had invested in the best coffee brand there was.

He had a goal, and end up without money to buy cigarettes might’ve just been a nice compromise.

So when Yuya got up and dragged his feet into the kitchen, he got welcomed by the aroma of coffee and pastries, making him wake up completely and look suspiciously at the younger.

“Did something happen?” he asked, sitting at the table and looking at breakfast as if it was cause for some celebration.

Yuri put on his best innocent face, looking at Yuya as he started eating.

“No, I just bought some pastries and the coffee you like. Is that so weird?”

“Mh. I don’t know. Is something poisoned?” the elder asked, sarcastic, but he kept eating nonetheless.

“Poison was too expensive.” Yuri replied, caustic, and he kept smiling innocently at him.

Yuya stared at him, then he grinned.

“So, what do you need?” he asked again. “If you need money, they’re in the wallet in my jacket.”

“You’re so suspicious.” Yuri snorted. “Can’t I just be nice?”

Yuya thought about it for a moment, then he shook his head.

“No.” he stated. “So, what is it you want?”

The younger looked at him, sitting in front of him.

“I’ve been with you for over two years, right?” he started, waiting for an answer.

“Mh. That sounds right.” the yakuza replied, slowly.

“And we’ve long since established that I have no intention to run away, say anything to anyone or else, right?”

“I guess.”

“Good.” he kept quiet for a moment. “I wanted to know if I could go to Shibuya today.”

“What?”

“Yes, I wanted to go there. I’ve got some money, and I wanted to buy some stuff.”

“Can't we go together?” Yuya asked. “There are malls open late there.”

“But... I wanted to do something on my own. I haven’t been out of the neighbourhood for two years without you.” he bit his lower lip, trying not to show how trapped he felt. “I never disobeyed to you, Yuya. Even when you’re away for days I could do whatever I want, but I’ve always stayed here. For once I ask, you could let me, right?” he whispered, his eyes still on him.

Yuya stared at him, pondering.

He was right. In the beginning he had his shatei tail him to make sure he wasn’t going to run or do as he pleased. Aside a couple times, both well justified, he had to admit that Yuri had never left the neighbourhood.

Still, he didn’t want to risk this ending up like last time. Just remembering what his own shatei had done to him, made him nervous.

He could try to be good for once, though.

“Fine.” he murmured. “But I’ll meet you eight sharp in front of the Hachiko’s statue, ok? Not one minute late, we’re going to have dinner out.

“Fine, fine. I’ll be right on time.” Yuri promised, then he rushed back to the bedroom to change.

Yuya stretched a smile. It was going to be fine.

~

Yuri walked around Shibuya as if it was the first time he was there.

He held his bag tight, looking around, staring at every building, every billboard, every person around him.

He had bought the latest CD of his favourite group, the Arashi, courtesy of Yuya’s wallet, while now he was looking for the right place to buy the yakuza a birthday present.

It was the first time he thought about it, but since for his own birthday the yakuza had avoided raping him and hurting him like last time, he had decided it could’ve been nice to buy him something.

It could be a chance to get himself some peace, and he wasn’t going to miss the chance.

He knew what to buy already, and it didn’t take him long to spot the perfect place.

He walked inside a jewellery and individuated his goal; it wasn’t flashy as Yuya was used to, but it could work. He liked it, and he knew the yakuza was going to like it too.

He paid and waited for the present to be wrapped, then he walked outside the store, a smile on his face.

Perhaps he was still dizzy for the confusion around him, Yuri couldn’t say, but he knew all too well that the one of looking before crossing the street, was no useless suggestion.

~

Yuya stared at the watch, nervous. The time of his appointment with Yuri was long gone, and his mood had slowly shifted from apprehension to full on rage, then back to nervousness and then angry again.

It went on like that until his phone rang. He was about to start yelling at the younger and tell him he was never going to step outside the apartment again, when he heard a female voice.

“Hello, Takaki-san?”

“Uhm. Yes. Who’s this?”

“I'm Moriboshi-sensei, I'm calling from St. Luke Hospital. We’ve admitted a boy today; we couldn’t find a name, but looking through his things we’ve found your number. Do you know who I'm talking about?”

“What... sixteen, short, black and short hair? He was wearing a green sweatshirt and a pair of jeans?” he listed, breathless, feeling close to collapse. He lit up a cigarette, nervous.

“Yes. Can you tell me his name?” the doctor asked after a few seconds.

“Er... yes. He...” he hesitated, trying to manage the anxiety about Yuri and that of revealing his real name. “How is he?”

“I can’t tell you that. I can talk about his health issues only to close relatives. If I may ask, who are you?”

“I'm... I'm his legal guardian.” he said, without thinking. “His name is Chinen Yuri.” he murmured then, cursing himself mentally.

“Perfect. If you can, you should come here as soon as you can. In the meantime, we’re running some tests.”

“So... please, can you just tell me if his life’s in danger.”

“It’s not. But that’s the only positive aspect of the matter, Takaki-san. The hospital has already contacted the social workers for some suspicious scars on the boy’s body.”

Yuya kept quiet for a while, trying to put an order to his mind.

Right now, Yuri had the chance to expose Yuya, ignore the yakuza and leave.

And he wasn’t going to stop him. During that silence he realized how feeble and shallow his relationship with Yuri was. A part of himself told him it was okay, that he had taken him only for some quick and easy sex, but another wished things could’ve been different.

But they couldn’t, not really, Yuya knew that all too well. He was trying to embrace smoke, and he knew it.

“We’re going to meet soon, we can talk face to face.”

“I think it’s best, Takaki-san.” the woman said, glacial, then she hung up.

Yuya didn’t waste a moment. He quickly headed toward the car, calling Kota to tell him about what had happened and he was going to need.

~

When Yuri opened his eyes he felt as if he had just exited an industrial washing machine. He looked around, his eyesight blurred, sounds piercing his ears, a strong smell of disinfectant in the air.

His legs hurt and his arms seemed to weigh a ton. He felt his throat burning, as if there was something stuck in it.

“Chinen-san?” a voice next to him called.

The kid turned his head a little, looking at the woman who was most likely a doctor. When he realized where he was he started writhing, hysterically.

“Calm down, calm down.” the woman whispered, putting her hands firmly on his shoulders to keep him still. “You’re in the hospital. Take a deep breath, we had to intubate you for a while, it might be uncomfortable for now.”

Chinen took a deep breath and coughed, rolling on his side through some hardship.

“Why am I here?” he asked, hoarse.

“You were hit by a car.” the doctor explained. “You mustn’t have seen it coming. You’ve been touch and go for a while when they brought you here, but you’re stable now. We’re keeping you here the rest of the week, but you’re going to be just fine.”

“What... oh…” he looked around, frantic again. “I had a bag with me. It was a present. Where is it?” he asked.

“Calm down.” the doctor said again. “It’s here, the police has brought it. It’s with your personal effects. And we’ve called your guardian, he’s coming.”

“My... guardian?” Yuri asked slowly, losing interest in Yuya’s watch.

“Yes, Takaki-san. We found his number in your cell phone.” the doctor sat next to him. “You didn’t have any form of I'd, and we didn’t know who to call. He was listed as your emergency contact.”

“Oh. Yes, he’s... he’s my legal guardian.” he said, without looking at her.

“Chinen-san, I’ve got to tell you something serious.” Yuri raised his eyes on her, without really managing to see her properly. “You’ve got some nasty scars on your back. The social workers are coming to talk about it with your guardian, they have to make sure he’s not responsible. It’s possible that there’s going to be questions.”

Yuri kept staring at her. The woman’s words swirled in a slow vortex he couldn’t follow.

He could tell her. He could tell the truth. He could vent and finally get rid of those two years oppressing him. Leave behind the rapes, the scars, the humiliation.

“You don’t have to be scared. We’re here to help.”

Yuri looked at her. Then he raised his eyes and saw Yuya out of the room, staring at them. He didn’t look angry, nor his usual arrogant self. He looked surrendered.

Yuri smiled softly. Why did he love him? He was tired of that life, but he couldn’t bring himself to do anything to change it. That watch proved it, right?

“Don’t worry, sensei. My guardian loves me, he would never touch me. My father left me those scars before he died in a home invasion. He was an alcoholic and he was always violent, so...” he bit his lip.

Yuya always told him he was a good actor, didn’t he? This was the best way to prove it.

“Chinen-san, you don’t have to lie. If he...”

“He wouldn’t do anything like that, sensei. I swear.” he smiled again, and then Yuya walked inside the room, looking incredibly pale.

“I'm Takaki.” he introduced himself. “Moriboshi-sensei, I presume.” he asked then, without tearing his eyes off of Yuri.

“It’s me. I need to talk to you about Chinen-san.”

“I want to know how he’s doing, then we can talk about anything you want.”

The woman sighed and debriefed him about Yuri’s health; Yuya kept looking at the kid as if it was the first time he saw him.

Once the doctor was done he made at to leave, but Yuri grabbed his hand.

“Yuri...?” Yuya murmured, surprised.

“I’d like to be alone with him for a moment, Moriboshi-sensei.” he asked. “Just a moment.”

The woman gave a slight nod, then she turned her back and walked out the room.

Yuya sat on the edge of the bed, bringing a hand to brush the bandages on Yuri’s head, then the cast on his arm; not to mention the various band aids covering his neck and face, most likely scratched during his fall on the asphalt.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, settling his hand on the kid’s leg.

“Good enough. I'm still alive. I sorry about... well, I told you I would’ve met you at eight.” he murmured.

The elder stopped caressing him to get a better look at him, wondering what kind of monster he had been these past two years for having Yuri worry more about missing their appointment than having been hit by a car.

Yuya wanted to tell him how scared he had been when the doctor had called, but he didn’t know what words to use, so he just leant over and hugged him, careful to avoid any hurt limb. He held him tight, bringing a hand to the back of his head.

“You’re fine.” he said. “I don’t care about the rest.”

He felt Yuri’s hand grab his shirt, holding tight to the fabric, and then the younger was crying.

“It hurts.” he admitted. “I'm going to have  to wear the cast for at least a couple of weeks and I can't exert my leg because it hurts too much. I can't even cry properly, I think my cheekbone’s broken. Yuya, I'm an idiot.”

“Don’t worry. It’s fine, you’re going to be okay. I’ll go to the doctor and I’ll ask her to give you some painkillers, alright?”

Yuri nodded, pulling away and drying his eyes.

“I told her it was my father. To... to do that.” he nodded toward his back.

Yuya bit on his lower lip.

He wished he could’ve promised it wasn’t going to happen again, that things were going to change, that his lies and his sacrifice weren’t going to be in vain, but he knew he couldn’t make such promise.

He knew the beast inside of him was going to roar again soon, he knew that its need for blood was going to come back, fogging his mind, making him crazy. Yuri didn’t need any false promise.

The younger opened his mouth to tell him something, but he got interrupted by the door opening abruptly. They both looked toward it to see Kota, holding a folder in his hand, looking at them as if he had just realized he had interrupted something.

“Kota?” Yuya hissed, standing up.

“Well... I’ve got the papers. You asked for them as soon as possible, so...”

“And when you realized we were alone you didn’t think...” he snarled, getting up and stepping toward him.

“I'm sorry.” the younger said.

Yuri chuckled, holding Yuya’s hand and pulling on him.

“Let him be.”

Yuya clicked his tongue and looked at Kota again.

“You said you have the papers?” he hissed, stretching a hand toward him.

“I do.” he handed him the folder and Yuya snatched it from his hand, sitting at the table and taking a quick look at the papers.

“Good. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to meet the social workers.”

Kota arched an eyebrow, but he didn’t ask for any explanation. Once Yuya was out of the room he was left alone with the kid, and he got closer to him, sighing.

“How are you feeling? Kei is worried sick.”

“I'm good enough. Nothing some painkiller won’t solve. Later I’ll call Kei to tell him.”

“He wanted to come, but... then he thought about the hospital, he had a small crisis and stayed home.” Kota murmured, averting his eyes.

“Don’t worry, it’s not a problem.” Yuri tried to pull himself up. “What papers did you bring?”

“Those stating he’s really your guardian and stuff like that.”

Yuri nodded, slowly, wondering what was going to happen from that moment on, if things were actually going to change. He looked at the present he had bought for Yuya that morning, he thought about the hug, and he convinced himself that the fear he had read in the yakuza’s eyes wasn’t just about losing his little whore.

Maybe Yuya really cared for him, a little. He closed his eyes, thinking how good it would’ve been if that had been true, and without even noticing he fell asleep with a smile.

~

Yuri walked inside the apartment limping, aided by the crutch, after a week at the hospital. He leant against Yuya then to get to the couch.

“How are you feeling?” the elder asked, softly.

“I'm tired.” Yuri murmured, holding back a yawn. “I'm still a little dizzy for the painkillers, I think.”

“You can go sleeping if you want to.” the yakuza told him.

Yuri looked around. The effect of his absence were visible. The elder’s laundry was all over the apartment, there where dirty dishes and pots in the sink, while the table was full of containers of food. Not to mention the smell of smoke in the room.

“No. I don’t want to sleep, I just need to rest my leg a little.” he lied, averting his eyes from Yuya’s.

He stood up, limping into the kitchen; he grabbed an empty trash bag and started throwing away all he could reach with one hand. Yuya joined him quickly, grabbing his arm and pulling him away from the table.

“What are you doing?”

“I'm tidying up.” Yuri uttered, his voice higher than usual. “Look how you’ve been staying here. Ah, I'm sorry. I really am an idiot.” he gasped, trying to unsuccessfully get rid of the man’s hold.

“Yuri, you could’ve died. What the fuck do I care about the apartment?”

“But I'm here for that, am I not? Keep the house clean and tidy, cook and... well, so that you could have someone to fuck whenever you pleased.” he took a deep breath. “And if I can't do my chores and I can't have sex, then you’re going to send me away.”

“Yuri, you were hit by a car. See if I care about everything else. You’ve got to get healthy, if I were to make you work in this state I’d be a monster.”

“More than usual?” the younger said, unable to help it.

Yuya let him go all of a sudden, as if his skin was burning. He backed off and stared deeply at him.

“Yuya, wait, I didn’t mean to...”

“No, you’re right.” the elder chuckled. “Know what? I’ll go out for a while. Don’t wait me up, okay? Do what you want.”

“Yuya, wait just a moment...” Yuri tried to say, limping the best he could to follow him, then slipping on the floor and groaning in pain.

Yuya turned to look at him from the doorstep. He saw the ask for help in his eyes and chose to ignore it.

“I'm a monster, am I not?” he whispered, then he slammed the door behind himself and left him alone.

~

When Yuya came back he took a deep breath and took his loafers off. He turned on the light and walked into the kitchen, the bags he was carrying slipping from his hands.

Yuri was lying on the floor, asleep, a bag of ice on the leg he had hit hours before. He was shivering a little.

Yuya sighed, falling on his knees next to him, staring at him. He took his jacket off, covering Yuri, then he picked him up and took him to the bedroom.

He struggled with the blanket a little, but in the end he managed to lay him down without messing with his hurt leg, arm or cheekbone. He was about to leave, when he felt Yuri’s hand hold him.

He turned around abruptly, nervous.

What would’ve kept Yuri from change his mind now, go back to the social workers and tell everything to the police?

“See that you’re not a monster?” Yuri whispered, his eyes closed.

“You...” he sighed. “You know I am.”

Yuri let go of his hand, getting it under the blanket again.

“Come to bed. I'm sleepy.” he murmured. “You stink of alcohol and smoke.” he mumbled, then he turned his back on him and went back to sleep.

Yuya kept quiet, still staring at him, then he took his clothes off and wore his home clothes, laying down next to him. The younger opened his eyes.

“Yuya...” he called.

The elder took the ashtray, putting it down on his stomach and lighting up a cigarette.

“Yeah?”

“Do you think love is real?” he whispered, closing his eyes again.

“Love? What the fuck are you talking about?” the yakuza chuckled, without looking at him.

“I'm serious. I’ve read a lot of girl magazines while in the hospital, you know? And I found an interesting article.”

He yawned and got up, apparently glad he had gotten Yuya’s attention. He stole the cigarette from him, smoking it himself. Yuya sighed and lit up another one.

“Well, what was it about? Nail polish?” he commented, sarcastic.

“Idiot.” Yuri chuckled. “It said that, according to experts, love lasts something like three years. True love, I mean. Something more than a thousand days. Isn't it depressing?”

Yuya shrugged, without knowing what to say.

“Don’t think so. It’s all bullshit shrinks say to make money.”

Yuri rest his head on Yuya’s chest and kept smoking, quietly.

“I wish. It’d be sad to realize that true love doesn’t exist.”

“You’re starting to sound like a fairy-tale.” Yuya mocked him.

“So? What’s wrong about it?” Yuri asked, quiet. “You know, when I was little and I had nightmares, I turned on the light and I read a book of fairy-tales. Then I calmed down and went back to sleep.”

Yuya kept smoking, slowly.

“Wished you could’ve read some since you’re here?” he whispered.

“You’re no nightmare, Yuya. You’re real, and fairy-tales don’t work against real things. But, you know, I’ve gotten used to it. I'm fine this way, I wasn’t going to stand anything else. A lot of other boys and girls at the warehouse have bene sold, just like me. This was always going to be my fate.”

Yuya kept quiet for a while, then he raised his hand and caressed his head, softly, without saying anything else.

Yuri didn’t seem to be waiting for an answer anyway; instead he sat on his legs, moving the ashtray away. Yuya was crushed by the warmth and softness of the younger’s skin, and all he wanted was to touch him, but it wasn’t the right moment. He wasn’t okay, he had been hit by a car and he owed him this at least.

“Yuri...” he panted, trying to control himself.

“Come on. You should take advantage of it. Maybe it’s the morphine, but who cares? I want it, Yuya. Bad.”

“But... your leg and your arm, and...”

Yuri leant down toward him, his mouth to the elder’s ear.

“Then don’t hurt me, right?” he murmured, softly biting on his lobe.

Yuya grabbed his hips, his hands slipping under his shirt; he brushed his warm skin and closed his eyes, pressing him down against his crotch. He got surprised when Yuri started to get hard; he really wasn’t used to him being aroused or asking for sex.

But he decided he didn’t care and took his shirt off, touching him and kissing him, meeting no hesitation or resistance. He took off his pants too and felt Yuri’s hands to the same, and when he started slowly stroking his cock, when he saw him slip off his legs and brush his tongue over the head, it was almost unbearable.

Hadn't he read the amusement in his eyes, Yuya would’ve said he was hesitant; a split second late though he saw him take him wholly in his mouth, licking and sucking as he had never done in the past two years. He grabbed his hair, pulling to slow him down.

He wanted to enjoy this, he wanted to enjoy those hands and that mouth and tongue without a care in the world. He pushed him off before coming into his mouth and pulled him abruptly on top of himself; Yuri chuckled and kissed him again and again while Yuya’s hand moved down his back and to his entrance, wasting no time pushing a finger inside of him.

Yuri moaned and pushed back against it, so Yuya kept preparing him, loving the way the younger’s moans filled the room.

It was Yuri who decided when he had had enough; he pulled away from the yakuza’s hand and grabbed his cock, slowly sitting on top of it, staring intently at Yuya’s face.

The elder grabbed his hips and pushed inside of him, harder and harder, while he touched him and made Yuri finally feel good, wishing it could’ve always been like that.

A few minutes later he was coming on the yakuza’s stomach, propping himself up on his chest, while Yuya kept thrusting inside of him as deep as he could, coming as well a few moments later.

Yuri collapsed next to him, oblivious to the pain at his arm and leg, and crouched up against Yuya’s body, kissing it again and again as if he couldn’t help it.

“Happy birthday.” he whispered, panting. “Even though I'm late.”

Yuya held him tight, caressing his back.

“Is this why you went out last week?” the yakuza asked low, leaning down and nipping at his lips.

“Yes.” Yuri wiggled out of the hold and opened the nightstand’s drawer, handing him a small bag. “I wanted to give you this, but knowing you sex was more appropriate.” he murmured, embarrassed.

“Oh. Well. Yeah, I... I do enjoy it if it comes from you.” the elder mumbled, taking the present. “But you shouldn’t have forced yourself. I know you don’t...”

Yuri kissed him again, interrupting him.

“Shut up.” he whispered. “I wanted to.” he smiled, softly. “Now open your present.”

Yuya nodded and undid the wrapping, finding an elegant watch inside.

“You complained about yours breaking during your last trip, right? Well, I hope you like it. It’s not too flashy, but I think it suits you nonetheless.”

“It’s very good.” Yuya admitted, hoping he wasn’t sounding too embarrassed. “I’ll wear it. Thanks.”

Yuri nodded, satisfied, and went back under the covers.

“Now I really am sleepy.” he yawned. “Goodnight, Yuya.”

“G-goodnight, Yuri.” the yakuza murmured, still bewildered by all that had happened.

He put his present down on the nightstand and smoked one last cigarette, watching Yuri sleep.

He wished he could’ve protected him from himself, but he knew it would’ve been pointless. He could’ve changed, but he didn’t know how.

And that uncertainty hurt him, and he knew there was no helping it.

He put out the cigarette and decided he could’ve at least tried. Forget his past could’ve been possible.

“Goodnight.” he whispered again, getting under the covers as well.

Yuri pushed back against him, Yuya couldn’t say whether that was deliberate or not. But he brought an arm around his waist to hold him closer, and that warmth made him feel good.

The smile on Yuri’s face, that night, made him sleep way better than usual.